Living in Fear

If you are new to reading my posts, you may not know that I consider "F.E.A.R." the worst four-letter word in our language. It has decimated relationships, caused self esteems to collapse, and brought down whole countries based on ignorance.

In my own little personal world, fear has caused me to live a life half lived. Do you remember that quote from "Strictly Ballroom"? One of my favorite films and one of my favorite quotes. The character, Fran, is talking to Scott, and says, "A life lived in fear is a life half lived."

Full understanding of the effect of fear on my life has taken a journey of many twists and turns, ups and downs, and lots of hard work. Not giving up when something gets uncomfortable or makes me even more fearful has brought me to a new place of peace.

Fear of letting someone down, fear of being considered selfish, fear of not being good enough, fear of not having friends, fear of seeing the me I really am, fear of love, fear of being happy.

A friend and I were discussing this just the other day and she was taken aback when I mentioned that I had been fearful of being happy. I can't begin to recall when that fear entered my conscience, but I do know it has held me back or caused me to over-react at many stages in my life.

Lately, my life has changed dramatically. In a sense, I have found an inner calm. I don't need outside influences as much to make me feel a part of things. I don't need any more than what I already have and it took me a long time to know this fact.

From a party girl who only wanted to be out every night to someone who is hard-pressed to even go to a private party, it has been both a blessing and a curse. I love that I am comfortable in my surroundings and need not travel far for that pleasure. But I do miss, somewhat, the nights out. I am sure I will find my balance.

Family life is good; my husband and I just want to spend the rest of our lives together on vacation. We enjoy traveling and are working to make this more and more of a reality in our lives. My children are doing well and I feel no threat for their welfare because I know they can make their own way, whether I am of this world or not. With a father, stepfather, and me to guide them, in our own crazy ways, they are prepared for anything that may come. I could not be prouder of them.

My friends are a smaller group than before, but much more loving, forgiving, and joyful. It is a good place to be.

Family ties are good and growing stronger; I believe I am the leader in the family on this journey--whether it is being a good companion to my mother-in-law or a daughter who understands and forgives her own father for everything I perceived as a wrong in the past. Even with my mother-in-law, I can see that some of the things she does are also based on fear and anxiety and so I can understand that now and make her life easier by just being a friend, not wanting anything from her but a friendship.

That feeling carried over into one of the best birthday party celebrations we've ever had out at family shore house in Maryland a few weekends ago. I had a few friends out and that made it even more fun for me personally.

After everyone had gone and cleanup completed, I mentioned to my MIL that I had taken lots of photos and that I was sending copies to her friends via e-mail. I told her I could send her some that way, too, but she groaned because she really is not of the digital age and loves letters and pictures you can hold. I groaned back when she asked for prints, but later in the week, I revisited the idea with a new perspective and, remembering all the cards, letters, and packages that she sends us, I had a new idea.

Prints were made of the party photos and I gathered them for her in a bright purple photobook. I mailed it today and she should get it by Thursday. In the past, this might have been something I would do out of fear of loss of relationship, but this time, it was done purely with love. And it felt really good. Could become addicting, I think.

That is what happens when the fear and anxiety (which I know is still in existence in my brain) take a backseat to the higher feelings of oneness and truth and love and no fear. I like this journey of life and the lessons I have learned--sometimes I say I would go back and change some things, especially the more hurtful experiences, but if I did, I would not be where I am now and this is a real good place to be.